What to say when someone says "I feel/look fat"
Last week, while catching up with a college friend and fellow dietitian, she shared a recent experience and wanted my take. “Okay, so quick personal slash professional question - my niece was trying on some shorts my mom bought her. She didn’t like them and when my sister asked her why, she said, ‘they make me look fat.’ Of course, someone chimed in ‘You’re not fat!’ but I didn’t know if that was the right thing to say or not. Now that I have a baby girl, I want to be prepared to handle these situations. So, um, help me please!”
So many considerations here - it’s her niece and not her own daughter, she doesn’t want to embarrass the person who said ‘you’re not fat’ by challenging them in front of everyone, it’s possible her niece just didn’t like the shorts and was saying ‘they make me look fat’ (a phrase she didn’t invent or teach herself) to protect her grandmother’s feelings, and so on. These situations can be sticky and more often than not, we figure out how we’d want to respond sometime after the moment has passed.
When a friend says, “I look fat” or “I feel fat,” you probably commiserate or quickly debunk the statement with “no you’re not” and an eye roll. It’s become so culturally normal to talk down about ourselves, our bodies and - caught in the crossfire - the bodies of others. It doesn’t feel like a big deal until, from the mouth of your daughter, son, niece, nephew, or little cousin, “I look fat” halts you. In that one moment, you know for sure what you’ve been anticipating since they were born: You can’t protect them from diet culture, its obsession with thinness or the body image issues that develop as a result.
But unlike our parents, we live in a time where we talk about mental health and our emotions, “therapy” isn’t a dirty word, fat acceptance is a whole movement and we can collaborate to better navigate these situations and change the narrative; not just for them but for all of us.
When someone says they feel or look fat, they’re generally expressing negative feelings toward their body, discomfort within their body or insecurity about their appearance. How you respond will depend on your communication style, your relationship with them and the immediate environment. The nuance here makes a quick how-to article challenging, but here goes:
First and foremost, don’t reassure the them by saying, “You’re not fat” or “You don’t look fat.” It may be what they’re hoping to hear in that moment but ultimately, it’s not helpful. At best, it provides very short-term relief; at worst, it perpetuates weight stigma and reinforces fear of weight gain, which regardless of body size, can worsen body image (and even lead to disordered eating/eating disorder behaviors). By responding to “I feel/look fat” with something to the effect of “no, you’re not!,” you’re affirming that to be or look fat is an objectively bad thing. (If you’re not sure why that’s problematic and untrue, we’ll cover that in another post.) It’s not always going to be a great time to get into the complex issues of fatphobia, weight stigma, the misuse of BMI as a health metric and the patriarchy; so whether you’re with your daughter, your father-in-law or your best friend, standing in a dressing room, lounging after a family meal or running errands, here are two strategies that can be used together or alone when confronted with “I feel/look fat.”
1. Provide emotional support:
“What do you really mean when you say that? Do you feel uncomfortable? Worried that you don’t look your best? Fearful that you’ve gained weight? Frustrated that your clothes don’t fit as well as you’d like them to?”
Then, validate their feelings and comfort them. For example, “Ugh, I hate feeling too full, it’s so uncomfortable. Let’s put on sweatpants and rest for awhile.” Or, “I’m sorry you’re feeling bloated. I, for one, think you look fabulous but if you’re not comfortable you can change into something else.”
2. Challenge the idea that being fat is a bad thing:
“What do you mean? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
This forces them to consider what they might be implying. They’ll either double down with “Obviously bad” or rephrase, “I just mean these shorts don’t look good on me.” If they stand by what they said - that they think they look fat and it’s a bad thing, challenge that sentiment. This could sound like:
“All bodies are good bodies, including fat bodies.”
“Using ‘fat’ to imply there’s something bad about a body is harmful.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being fat. It’s okay if you don’t like how you look or how you’re feeling, but it’s unfair to project that onto others and their bodies.”
Or, inspired by one of my favorite Gen-Z phrases, “Okay, Boomer - enough with the body shaming. It’s 2023, we celebrate all bodies now.”
If they take the opportunity to rephrase their statement, reinforce it. You could say something like, “That’’s better!” or really drive it home with, “Someone else’s body type isn’t a bad thing and there are other ways to express how you’re feeling.” Use your best judgement to decide how to navigate these waters.
3. Suggest alternative phrasing:
Feeling not-okay in or with their body is a normal human experience AND they don’t need to denigrate larger bodied people to express that.
If you’re uncomfortable, say that.
Feeling bloated and being fat are very different. Just say you’re feeling bloated.
Are you trying to say you don’t like how those shorts look on you?
Fat isn’t a feeling. What are you really trying to say?
While it may not be the right time in that particular moment, consider having a lengthier discussion with those who use “fat” as a negative descriptor. Discuss how it might make others or themselves feel and brainstorm other ways to describe unpleasant physical and emotional feelings. Or, consider finding an article like this Glam article on how diet culture harms body image or this NYT article, "Yes I'm fat. It's O.K. I said it." and send them a text message or email. You could accompany the article with something like -
“Food for thought!”
“Hey! Could you read this when you have time? It might change the way you think about fat bodies.”
“Hey, would you mind not using ‘fat’ to negatively describe your body when you’re not feeling good about it? It’s kinda like saying something you don’t like is ‘gay.’ Instead you could say, ‘I think I’ve gained weight and that scares me,’ ‘I’m bloated,’ or ‘these clothes are too tight, I’m uncomfortable.’”
“It made me sad when you said, ‘I look fat,’ both because I hope you know that you’re awesome exactly as you are and because using ‘fat’ to imply there’s something bad/wrong with your body implies there’s something bad/wrong with fat bodies (which isn’t true).”
“I just read this article and it made me realize that using ‘fat’ to negatively describe our bodies is pretty offensive. Maybe we could start saying things like ‘I don’t feel comfortable’ or ‘my clothes are too tight’ from now on?”
What if the person who says, “I look fat” or “I feel fat” is a larger-bodied or fat person?
The same suggestions still apply - don’t try to rescue with “you don’t look fat/you’re not fat” and for the love of all that’s good and holy, don’t say “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!,” which single-handedly implies being fat is a bad thing and you can’t be fat and beautiful at the same time. Generally speaking, if you are not a larger bodied person, I don’t recommend admonishing them in the name of body diversity - they already know that using “fat” to describe bodies in a negative way is harmful. Instead, try:
Seeking the meaning behind the statement, validating the emotion and providing comfort (see above).
“You look fabulous!” (You’re not negating their description, you’re just providing your own)
“I love that shirt on you,” or maybe you don’t like it and you say, “I liked that other top more but it’s up to you!”
Something to the effect of, “All bodies are good bodies. My body is a good body. Your body is a good body.”